Today I went about the process of gathering my art together so I can evaluate it and submit my portfolio for graduation. I’ve been avoiding this project since about last September, not necessarily on purpose; but it has been on my task list every week since September 1st, and as I’ve not gotten to it- I’ve clearly been avoiding it. I would have avoided it today except for my rather intense ab workout this morning left me feeling like crap (the good kind of crap) and easily distracted.
After about an hour of wasting time on Youtube and Facebook I stood up and said out loud “well; If I’m not going to get anything real done, I might as well get something mindless done.”
Due to the space constraints we have in our small apartment, the fact that we have 3 kids, and the ages of the kids- I had to give up my ‘studio’ space last summer. My son has taken it over as his bedroom, though unfortunately for him he has to share it with some of my stuff. My daughters share a room and my studio has been shoved into my bedroom. It works; kinda. In this shifting around all of my art ended up in a closet in my old studio; that now has a bunch of boxes and my son’s bed up against it. Which has added to my lethargy of getting my old art out and going through it.
So today I moved all of the boxes and got into that little closet. As I pulled out my art from these past years the old familiar throat tightening and panic set in, it was like experiencing the inadequacies I’ve felt so strongly in every class I’ve ever taken, only all at once. I was not expecting to feel that way. I was expecting to just quickly look through the stuff, pull out what I thought would meet the requirements for my portfolio and move on. I knew going into it that many of the pieces would need to be touched up or redone. However the wave of emotions that I experienced were awful.
School has been hard for me. It has been hard because I decided that I was not going to put off having a family- and that has slowed my progress down immensely. I have a hard time not feeling embarrassed as I approach graduation. This journey has been so very very long. I’ve worked so hard, and put so much of myself into it. My kids have always come first in my life; and I absolutely don’t regret the decision to put family first in my life- it has been enriching and wonderful. I knew it would slow down school for me. However there is a large amount of embarrassment in admitting to people around me that yea I’m still in school… I started school again when my son was 4 months old; and he’s now 9 years old. I’ve not had full time semesters for the most part they’ve been part time. I’ve also had to take a few years off in all of this because I needed to be there for my kids. So while logically I should be like ‘yea so; whatever, I’m finishing in a reasonable amount of time for my life.’ it is hard not to compare myself to my classmates who graduated years ago in many cases. It is difficult not to feel completely inadequate.
So these emotions mixed into the other feelings of artistic inadequacy. I’d already had the question in my mind ‘will I ever be good enough?’ floating in my head as I looked through art from the last 4 years. I’d been on facebook earlier and was flipping through some of the images that people in my program have posted. I’m surrounded by so many amazing artists! It is inspiring. It is also difficult to feel like I belong.
I know that my art is worth something- I know because a perfect stranger recently commissioned and paid for a very large project. (I’ll be able to share the images from this in April on instagram since I’ll be doing the AtoZ blogging on this) So I know that people appreciate my art. But the question of “will I ever be good enough” is a personal one. One that I think every artist asks themselves.
So what is the answer?
It is simple:
Probably not.
That sounds negative but it really isn’t. I wasn’t good enough 4 years ago, but I worked hard and I got better. The me 4 years ago would look at the me today and be like “wow; will I ever do that?”
Yes, I would.
I look at my work and the work of people I admire and I think it is ok to stretch. I’ll keep working hard, I’ll keep improving, and I’ll keep seeing and setting a higher ideal for myself. And I’ll keep achieving it.
I think it is easy to find self doubt, it is easy to feel inadequate. I also think it is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. I think there is a problem dwelling in it. I believe it is ok to feel these things and even to ask “will I ever be good enough?” as long as we use these feelings as a stepping stone, so we can look out into our own future and set goals and then work to achieve them.
So really the answer is: Yes I will; but I’ll always want to be better.
~Alicia
