2017: life, goals and stuff

So my last 2 posts on this blog are very very old, the last being a little over a year ago, and the one before that being a rather depressing review of fall 2015 semester. It's been a long crazy year, and honestly I spent most of the last 12 months in bed... if you don't know why Check out this Facebook post

This is one of the few illustrations I've done
in the last 12 months, and it doesn't feel
remotely done, but probably the closets I've
come to finishing anything.

While I didn't draw much, couldn't really lift my head most of the time I felt so awful... I did study a LOT and I mean a LOT of art.

Even after my long December post where I recommitted myself to art/illustration I kind of struggled with that.  Did I really mean it? Could I possibly become good enough? Should I just quit where I was, get my BS and move on with life? Was it worth it?


and probably most importantly...

Do I still have any passion for Illustration?

Basically January 2016 was one big dark depressive funk.  I tried the whole 'Fan Art February' as a pie in the sky ideal that *maybe* drawing fan art would make me happy and excited again.

Then of course I found out I was pregnant.  And as usual I got sicker and sicker and sicker.  To the point where I kind of just got by every day...

Despite the fact that everything in my life pointed to this being bad timing, this was probably the best thing that could happen to me.

I spent a year feeling awful, my strength and energy only just coming back over the last month or so.  I could do very little beyond very basic taking care of my older kids and laundry when it was needed.
And all I wanted to do was sit up and paint and draw.

Turns out there is plenty of desire when my ability to do anything was taken away.

So I studied art.  I watched so many online classes, YouTube videos and read so many articles on how to draw, how to paint, anything.  It kept me from going insane.

strangely enough, as I've been able to find time to do more; I some how improved during that time.  Not as much as I would have if I'd physically held pen to paper, but I'd improved in my drawing skills because I had to stop and think about the process of drawing.

I have a long way to go, and so much more I want to accomplish; but I have a better roadmap then I had before.

this is another from the last year
I like where it is going, but haven't
gotten past an initial sketch...

You see; when I finally found the Illustration program I felt SO far behind everyone else.  And I was; I really really was.  I'd been in and out of so many majors, I'd been told how stupid it was to go into art... So when I stumbled into what was to become the greatest decision of my life, much of my ability had atrophied.  I was suddenly in classes with people who had drawn non stop for all their lives.  I'd drawn non stop up to a point, and then so many other influences pushed me away from drawing, and it became something that I was convinced I was terrible at and that I should never pursue.  So I'd stopped, and I tried to go into things that were more practical.

So I forged mightily ahead, playing catch up in every class, having to repeat classes... feeling dwarfed by my peers, and I was terrified of taking to long of a break from school because I was sure I'd never make it back.

So life forced a break on me.

And I couldn't stop thinking about art.

This is where I find myself today.  I have about 31 days to put together a really good showing of my ability and then I only have 5 short months to prepare for my last year of classes.

SO I have a few goals for this time.

#1- finish things
My greatest weakness hands down is my fear of screwing stuff up.  So I never finish anything.  I'll start a sketch and then post it and be like 'look at my sketch' but I never take it beyond that despite wanting to.
#2- draw every day
I doodle nearly every day; but I'm going to take an hour to just DRAW every day
#3- draw for myself
Even when I'm back in school.  I don't know why I started at some point trying to draw for everyone else, and it's kind of trapped me in this weird place where I negatively critique everything to the point that I achieve nothing.

Some fan art I'm working on, actually I'm redoing
it.  Again, got to this point and kinda stopped...
no good reason, just fear.

They aren't my usual 'draw 10,000 pages' type goals, though those have merit, and I might do something like that (not that extreme this year lol) behind the scenes, but as far as real goals that I
need to place on myself; I'm going with the 3 above.

One last thing before I sign off for the night.

I'm going to be moving this over to a wordpress blog sometime in the next 6 months, and integrating it into a website.  I feel like this is important as blogger is cute, but hard to really make into a professional feeling blog.

I'm also going to put together a schedule for blog/facebook/instagram/website/youtube/etc updates, not sure if I'll post that or keep it to myself.  The only reason to mention it is so you know that I'm going to have more regular content.

~Alicia Hawks